Many times, what we need to heal within ourselves is not something unique. More clearly, what is needed to be healed is actually passed down through generations - aka- ancestral baggage. For example - I have had echoes of fear and pain around the idea of loss and abandonment... this idea that one day those who love me the most will just leave and I will be alone.
In searching for the source of this issue I found a significant past life where the one happy connection died young and the life was spent alone in the countryside with livestock (could explain why I love animals more than people in this life). But I also found death in my ancestral line - not normal old age death, but loss of young children and especially the loss of mothers when their other children were anywhere from 10 years old and younger. The husbands were left alone with the kids and quickly remarried (likely due to societal pressure and fear of dealing with their own children which was not "their role"). Not all of these step mothers were kind - and my male ancestors carried the silent pain of sadness and abandonment from their mothers deep in their heart and root chakras (love and security). It was not until I went back and witness their pain did I start to feel a release from my inner fears - quite like a slowly opening flower growing from a tight bud into a soft and vulnerable bloom receiving sunlight for the first time.
But it was not until that pain was healed that I was able to tap into the strength, resolve, integrity and wisdom of my masculine ancestors. As a woman, I often look to the strength and wisdom of my female ancestors... but my strength was only half realized and I lived in imbalance... overly compassionate and caring for others and undercutting the respect I had for myself. Finally, I realized it was integral to find the second half and bring it to full balance.
I sat in my spiritual space with my male ancestors - specifically my father, my grandfather and great-grandfather. I saw their resemblance and how their likeness was found in my own face. They offered me ways to remember their voice, wisdom and integrity within my own body. I graciously received them and witnessed how almost immediately after the journey, my internal voice shifted. When something happened that was disrespectful (and I usually would have been upset and joked it off) I said "I didn't deserve that, and that person was wrong." Now, instead of saying "its okay" if someone hurts me and later apologizes, I say, "thank you, I appreciate that."
I have become more confident in speaking up for myself, I have patience and compassion but will not let my honesty and truth be misconstrued, and I am not afraid to push back with questions when I am confused by something. By healing the masculine, and awakening that side of me, I have been able to find my truest balance within. I show up for myself in ways I have not done in the past, and feel truly comfortable being me - no self-deprecating jokes that highlight my deep insecurities, no excuses or apologies to make other people at ease- I am all real and all me. If it is not for you, then I won't try to change or convince you - my masculine side roars in delight of who I am.
By healing the masculine, I allow the world around me to feel my balance. Ideally, this balance will inspire and awaken the balanced voices within others. If not, I am honored to help others find their balance... Because if we cannot find, balance, and honor the masculine AND feminine within ourselves - how could we expect the world to become more balanced and honoring of the dualities? By healing ourselves, we help to heal our community and by extension, the world we live in.
Happy New Year, M.